I think there was a time in my life when I was a bit of an idiot. Because I remember thinking that square dancing was for hicks, not somebody as hip, sophisticated and intelligent as myself. Boy, was I a fool.

I first got hooked one summer at the Kentucky Dance Institute camp. I'd gone because I loved folk dancing, but one of the classes each day was square dancing. Well, this is gonna be boring. Good for a laugh, I suppose. Whoops, did I just screw up there. Must not have been paying attention. We go where? Damn, this is tricky. Certainly I'm smart enough to do square dancing! What the heck is going on here?

Square dancing is like chess set to music. The square dance chessmaster is the caller. His job is to lead the eight of you through an incredibly complex series of maneuvers, only to bring you back to your original position, with your original partner, and your original corner. But for it all to work, you have to do the calls correctly. If you ever get to watch square dancers, it may seem like an absolute mystery. This person walks there, somebody else slips through here, these two switch places. It all happens quickly and you'd better stay on your toes. The square becomes this moving jig saw puzzle with all the pieces slid out of position. Will the caller ever be able to put it all back together again? Sometimes someone will stop paying attention for a second, and then the whole square may crash and burn. But most of the time, there comes this precious moment when the caller breaks out of the patter and calls out, "Left alemand your corner." If you suddenly realize that you're back with your partner and that your original corner is where she or he should be, that moment will seem like some small miracle! You've trecked for miles through the jungle and bingo, there's the ocean! It's a real sense of accomplishment. Start practicing your "Yahoos" for such moments. You won't be able to help yourself.

I remember the final night at the dance camp. I was in a square with people I liked. All the women were beautiful. We got through a complex sequence and were grinning like crazy. It was so much fun. I returned to the real world thoroughly hooked. What I didn't realize was how little I knew.

Square dancing is one activity you can't just walk in on. There is a lot to learn, and you'll need to take lessons. Since the teaching is cumulative, it's not an ongoing class that you can join in the middle of things. You'll need to find out when the next group begins and be there at the beginning. Don't feel you need a partner. There are always other singles at the lessons, and in fact some square dance groups are designed for singles. I think you'll find the square dance lessons are fun and challenging. Each night the caller will teach another half-dozen calls from the list of maneuvers you need to master. Hopefully you'll have a couple of "Angels" in your square with you. Those are experienced dancers who can save your bacon when you're about to screw up. With their help you'll practice until you can visualize the patterns and respond instantly to the calls. After a couple of months of this you'll graduate and be invited to a real square dance. You'll still be a neophyte, and you'll still need guidance on occasion, but you'll be one of the dancers.

Except the time will come when it all feels too easy. The excitement of living on the edge will be lost. You'll know the material right down to your bones. Time for the next level. Others have traveled this road before you, and it's a common problem. Part of the fun of square dancing is the intellectual challenge. When that fades people get restless. So over the years they started adding more calls. They labeled the initial calls that were added Advanced. So there's a set of calls needed to dance the A1 level, and another set of calls if you master A1 and want to move up to A2. Then they added the C levels. At the very highest level you'll only find a few dozen people in the whole world who know enough to dance with you. There's a group at M.I.T. that dances C4. One at Cal Tech. You get the idea. This stuff takes brains.

Have I mentioned you get to do all this with people you find attractive? Which brings me to the subject of swinging. Have you ever seen a couple in ballroom position spinning around one another? The swing, as they call, it is one of the staples of square dancing. It is also the sexiest, most exhilarating communion you'll ever get to do with another soul in public. When it's smooth and fast and you're really linked solidly together, it's heaven.

OK. Now, the clothes. Do they really wear those ridiculous outfits with the big skirts sticking out and the cowboy look? I wish I could tell you that's a myth, but I can't. It's kind of like a virus, and before long you might be wearing the crazy stuff too. You don't have to wear the outfits, but it sneaks up on you. As we speak I have a cool collection of cowboy shirts in my closet. I do not know how they got there. I certainly don't dress like that. Once you get up to the advanced levels people start dressing more like nerds than cowgirls, but in the beginning, be prepared.

Square dancing was a profound learning experience for me. I discovered I shouldn't prejudge pastimes or people out of ignorance. The "hicks" I met a square dancing were kind, and smart, and full of fun - one of the nicest collections of people I've ever run across. Just don't let those cowboy clothes sneak up on you.

© Bruce T. Holmes 2000 All Rights Reserved